This is a series defining the alphabet and teaching you new facts, educating you, increasing your IQ and making you a better person in general. This first lecture - because that's exactly what this is, a lecture - of this series, "The Alphabet", is on the letter A. Seems appropriate to start at the beginning, right? Exactly.
A is for Animal
There are many animals in the world - some that actually begin with the letter A, which is quite a coincidence. These include the antelope, which is a dear type creature, I think, the aardvark, I'm not even sure what they are, although there used to be one on TV called Otis, and the anteater, which I don't even think eats ants, which would mean it has a pretty pointless name. It'd make no sense. It'd be like calling a gay guy a pussy eater. Gay guys don't eat pussy, and anteaters don't eat ants, asshole. Talking about assholes, that is exactly what gay guys eat.
A is for Abnormal
According to the Oxford dictionary, abnormal means "something that is not normal compared to others, for example, Alphabet Boy's abnormally large penis, Jackie Stallone's abnormal face and professional wrestler Chyna's abnormal vagina." Seriously, check it out. Google image "Chyna's vagina". It looks like it's a regurgitated a penis. You'll see what I mean.
A is for Asparagus
Ok, we all know asparagus makes your pee smell awful, but I bet you didn't know the lesser known fact that if you eat too much of it it gives you a third nipple. Just ask former asparagus addict David Hasselhoff, he knows from personal experience what I'm talking about. What, don't believe me? Bite me, it's true. You can't prove that it isn't. These days David Hasselfhoff spends his time making shitty music that only Germans like, making shitty movies that only idiots like and heading The "Ban of Asparagus Legality League of Superstars", more commonly known as, "The B.A.L.L.S."
A is for Awkward
Awkward can be defined as the feeling you get when you hear your parents going at it in the next room. Don't act like you don't know what I'm on about - you know EXACTLY what I'm on about. You listen to your parents having sex. Pervert.
A is for Amnesia
Amnesia is an "illness" faked by many con artists around the world so they can be lazy and get away with it. By "suffering" from amnesia you forget information easily and have memory loss. Con artists pretend to have this and get away with it like the lazy bastards they are. In fact, if you have amnesia, wouldn't you forget you had it? See, just poked a hole in it already. Explain that one to me, jackass. Or did you forget what I said already?
A is for Alternative Universe
An alternative universe is a universe where things are different. For example, the sky could be green, dogs could walk men on leads and Lady Gaga could actually have a vagina and not a penis. However, the possibility of the latter is highly doubtful.
And that's it for the letter A. I'll see you next time for the letter B. You'd be batshit insane to miss it. And you're not batshit insane.. right? If you are then I'd rather you not come back. No batshit insane people here please. We've been batshit insane free since 1972.
